.the old youth

Never thought I’d be so anxious to get back to the place I left some years ago. Soon back to one of the things I truly love in my life.

i’ve come to embrace the fact that i have the soul of an old man. i don’t need to drink, or smoke to get by or to feel better… all i need is quiet, and in time all things will get better. i’ve spent a lot of time worrying about things and find ways to solve my problems; come to find, i spend and equal amount of my time sitting… thinking… not necessarily problem solving but reflecting. contemplating. part of said “time worrying” was spent on how to cope with what i view as problems. getting drunk, smoking, etc. but i really don’t need any of that. quiet is my solution. 

the more things change, the more they stay the same. the number of problems we face grow at a staggering rate while the number of solutions decrease twice as fast.  the laundry list of problems grows and grows filling this 2 hour distance between us. events of the past cloud my vision of a future. i’m unsure of what the future hold for me, so how can i ensure a future for us? i complain, gripe, bitch, and moan yet i hold on to what we have as though it were my life that was at stake.  could it be my belief in this love, the possibility of seeing someone with what once was mine, or the simple fact that i’m deathly afraid of being alone again? whatever the case maybe, right now i feel as though i’m going down with this sinking ship that has capsized, taken on tons of water, and is under increasing pressure with every passing second. so the questions remain; will i… we work to salvage this vessel and sail on, or will we abandon ship to see if we have enough strength to surface?

good or bad, this too shall pass. we hope to hold on to everything dear in our lives, but truth be told gain is nothing without loss. to horde everything good in our lives would be selfish, but certain things are worth being selfish over. i’ve experienced what i feel to be a great loss in my life; one that despite any attempts can never be regained. the pain i felt that day, that week, that month… for the rest of my life, i wish i’d never feel again. someday, however, i know the feeling will return; such is life.  but with that being said i’ve gain so much. it might not be comparable, but it is certainly far greater then anything i could have hoped for.  the love a sister, support of a friend; and the aid of a person far more generous then myself. everything happens for a reason, we lose things because it makes room for us to gain.

i couldn’t have stated it any better, “i feel like you’re at war with yourself.”  wise words from one of the few great people i have in my life.  i’m fighting for a relationship that i’m unsure of, fighting for friends who i feel don’t fight for me and fighting indecision on what steps to take in my life. but honestly, how can i expect to win these fights when i can’t even when the fight on my own homefront.

After 4 years its seems as though I’m the only one not moving forward. My goal was is to avoid being stuck in Tacoma like 95% of the people that are raised there. I’m still dedicated to this goal, but it seems as though I’ve hit another rough patch.  At this point in my life, I’ve fallen into the trap I so desperately tried to avoid; Only difference is I’m not in Tacoma.  With that being said I’m not as caught up as everyone else still living there. I love my city, but I refuse to be stuck there… or here in Vancouver. I told my mother I wouldn’t get stuck in my 9-5 job.  We’ll see how long it takes me to find my way.  In the mean time, congratulations too all my friends at SMU on graduating.